When I asked my friend why he hadn’t provided feedback on my writing in a while, he said, “I see the quality and nature of your writing and assume you have hundreds or thousands of followers. It makes me think you’ve got more than enough feedback.”

That response made me happy because it was exactly what I needed to hear.

But it also made me incredibly sad. Because so many deserving people never hear it.

Have you ever asked an outgoing person whether they ever feel socially anxious?

They do.

At least, every one I’ve ever asked has said so. Less often and to a lesser extent than more introverted people perhaps, but they know what you’re talking about. They’ve felt uneasy at parties, networking events and other social gatherings where they might meet new people.

When’s the last time you felt lonely? When’s the last time you told someone you felt lonely? When’s the last time you asked someone if they ever feel lonely?

What do you think that means for how accurately we estimate loneliness?

We all feel lonely sometimes. Even people with many close friends, a sense of community, and a tight-knit family.

Loneliness is underestimated. Constantly. We assume we’re the only ones.

It sounds silly, but we regularly forget that everyone is human. Emotional. Irrational. Up and down. Full of contradictions. Dealing with their own shit, yet fighting battles not unlike our own. Just trying to get to where they want to go and maybe enjoy the ride from time to time.

People who seem confident struggle with their self-esteem. People with nice hair worry their hair isn’t nice enough. The person you know who is best at X sometimes worries they’re not that good at X. That’s often how they got so good at X.

Don’t assume people don’t need to hear it. Don’t assume the person who smiles all day is happy. Don’t assume smart people never feel dumb, energetic people never burn out, or brave people never get scared.

A better default is to assume they do. Assume everyone, to some extent, at some point, has felt anxious, sad, stupid, ugly, guilty, ashamed, vulnerable, left out, burnt out, alone and afraid. Likely more recently and more often than you could possibly imagine from the outside looking in.

If you make that your default assumption, you’ll make a difference in the lives of the people around you.

You won’t let things go unsaid. You’ll give the compliment you don’t think is needed. You’ll ask the deeper, realer, more honest questions. You’ll forge better bonds, make deeper connections, build longer lasting relationships. You’ll be there.

Everyone needs a friend who will assure us in the moments when we begin to doubt all the things we shouldn’t.

My friend assumed I was too good to ever feel not good enough.

No one is that good. No one is that self-assured, that happy, that perfect. No one is above it. No one is immune.

The world is constantly conspiring to convince us that we’re invisible, inadequate and inconsequential. Never miss a chance to remind people that you see them, that they matter and that they’re already more than enough.

Steele